Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays