Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

💀💀💀💀

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more