I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
