Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

The best shot in the history of golf

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did