I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
fly smarter, not harder
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.