Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math at Halloween.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?