I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Try and stop me.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly