I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.