I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today