I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs