I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password