I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.