Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.