Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there