I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The happy life.. 😊
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”