Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Phones down.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”