“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
You Might Also Like
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I love the National Park Service.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.