“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes