I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
bought wrong eggs
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one