I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.


What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.


[excerpt from my failed job application]

??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops


Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst


*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up


HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple


her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit