@shutupmikeginn

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

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@Jake_Vig

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

@Browtweaten

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

@BadJordon

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

@TheHyyyype

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit