Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You Might Also Like
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If it screams, it’s not food yet
[excerpt from my failed job application]
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
me: holy shit