Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Important

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

my name if I was in the mob

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.