I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I don’t make the rules sorry
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos