Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fat chances are my favorite chances

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.