Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

very niche meme I made

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

the three branches of government

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?