Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Taliband

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!