i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
.. do you even science?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!