Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan