[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Jurassic park gets weird
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know