[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her