[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
What personal space?
My dog
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
✌🏽
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.