I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Mouse
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I can’t stop watching this.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
What legos do when we’re not looking.
