I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
when you are just born a rebel
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
me hitting on a model
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley