I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.