Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

🙋‍♀️

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.