Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

I fixed it. For me

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.