I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Realize this:
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
what does he know…
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
We need more people like this.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.