I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
This is the best one I’ve seen
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn