I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You Might Also Like
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.