Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

Selfie

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.