Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

wait a minute….

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.