Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.