Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

is this store having a stroke wtf

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.