I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
the best thing i’ve ever made
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!