I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain