I like being married but not every day.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
another case of gang violins
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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
tell em, edith-anne
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
No, you’re not getting it your honor
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems