I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo