Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

Unexpected Judgment

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!