i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
You Might Also Like
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.