Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

Let’s Go

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.