Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

i will not be silenced

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard