Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

this will hang in the louvre one day

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Me when my alarm goes off

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

sometimes we need to be reminded

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Meow

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.