Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.