Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

For the orator and chef in all of us

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.