I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.