Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

never forget