Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think