“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!