I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I can’t wait!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
