Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

wtf management?!

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.