Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

When I laugh on my period

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

thanks auntie mary

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

bears

🐶😂

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?