I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
