I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
