I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m calling the cops.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here