I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
I would like even faster food.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
