Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?