I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages